I’ve been thinking about writing a blog for a long time but constantly fearing that people will think I’m crazy for talking about the way I feel or the things I experience but today I thought ‘Fuck it, this is shit.’
Today I was supposed to go to a friends daughters birthday party, so I got a shower but when I got out my whole mood had changed. I suddenly started shaking and couldn’t breathe properly, my eyes starting rolling around my head and I thought I was going to pass out. ‘I can’t go, there’s no way I can,’ so I lay on my bed and hoped it would pass. Two hours later I was still lying there thinking of what I could say. I couldn’t tell her I was on the verge of a panic attack because of her party because I actually wanted to go, I wanted to see her. But it was so much more, this feeling I suddenly had no control over. My ears began to ring and I couldn’t even lift my arms to dry my hair, I felt so weak.
Unfortunately I’ve got the stage that even the thought of leaving the house is too much. The fear of people, the fear of talking, the fear of people talking about me or noticing how strange I’m being. Noticing that I’m constantly fidgeting, stuttering when I speak, or talking too fast, being distant or being over friendly, picking my head, curling my toes, fuck me the list goes on. It’s torture. But the mad thing is I probably look normal to the average person but on the inside I’m wanting to run home and die.
So I didn’t go to the party and instead I decided to walk to the shop and get some fresh air. What a mistake that was. I don’t usually go places on my own anymore because I get myself into such a state and usually need to escape to my mums car just to breathe. But I tried it. I couldn’t breathe properly as I walked there but I thought it was just because I was walking and I’m probably extremely unfit. I got to the shop, took a deep breath and walked in. I took about 10 steps and had to stop, I started looking at crisps but couldn’t focus on picking any, so I tried to ring my mum just so I had someone to try calm me down. I got down the first aisle and I had to stop again, I couldn’t breathe, I felt like someone was pushing onto my chest and everything started going blurry around me. I stood there and noticed I was standing by syrups to put in coffee or milkshakes and things to bake with, both of which I had absolutely zero interest in, I just needed to calm myself down and in that corner there was no people so it was ok.
Shopping on a Saturday, on the 1st of December, trolleys, baskets, people everywhere, talking, shouting and loud music. My mum finally rang me back and I started to walk down the next aisle and I told her I thought I was going to pass out and I honestly thought, ‘I’m not making it out of this shop’ but I continued. I couldn’t feel my legs and I was soaking with sweat, finding myself starring at things I didn’t need to buy, just so people wouldn’t notice I was shaking with anxiety and about to drop to the floor. I got to the till and couldn’t make eye contact with anyone because all they would see is the fear in my eyes. I got my stuff and I left. All I had to do now was walk home. But what a fucking experience. Get me home to fuck.
Moral to this story is that anxiety is so much more than being nervous . It’s so much more than getting butterflies in your belly because your meeting new people or starting a new job, or going to a new place. It’s more than the nerves you get when your about to perform in a show or sing a song, I used to be able to do both and now I couldn’t even imagine performing in a play or letting anyone hear me sing. It’s the constant fear of feeling trapped, feeling that you can’t walk, can’t hear, the shaking, praying that people don’t notice. It’s being completely fine and then hearing a noise that makes you want to run and hide. It’s not being able to sit in the waiting room at the doctors because everything is moving around you and you feel that you can hear every single person in that room breathe, feeling like all eyes are on you, when none of them are. Being so scared to leave because people will think, ‘what the fuck is wrong with her,’ but having to force yourself to get up and leave anyway. It’s crying outside because you hate that you feel like this and having to hide in the toilet just so no one can see you. It’s just so much more. The list goes on and unfortunately I’m experiencing more and more of these horrible situations everyday.
It’s not being able to keep a job because your constantly battling with yourself and constantly living in fear just being there. It’s being around people you love and feeling exhausted when you get home because it’s so hard to pretend how happy and fine you are. It’s sleeping for 12 hours not because your tired but because your just drained. It’s a non stop fight with your body and your brain when all you want is a good nights sleep and a ‘normal’ life. Ha normal.
I’ve not felt like this all my life but the past few years it’s got progressively worse, to the point where all I want to do is die because it’s so hard and dying seems easier. Don’t get me wrong some days are better than other but it’s the bad days that seem to take over.
I know there’s other people out there that are like me, some not so bad and some even worse, and we’re all troopers. Absolute TROOPERS. There’s no bigger battle than the battle with yourself.
All I want to do is find myself again and breath. Breathe and breathe and breathe.
Ps sorry for the swearing, get used to it.