It’s been a while…

I haven’t wrote on here for a while now, purely because I haven’t had anything to say. I haven’t really had any thoughts about much to be honest, it’s as though I’ve just gone. I don’t feel like I’m present, It’s weird.

I feel that I either have really bad anxiety or really bad depression, one seems to over power the other at different stages. At the moment it’s anxiety, it’s so intense. I’ve got cuts all over my head and they are burning, my head is sore all over but I cannot stop picking. I’ll sit picking my head and there will be blood all over my fingers from all the cuts and tears streaming down my face from my eyes watering from how sore it is but I don’t stop. It’s like I can’t stop, I go into a trance. I would let a passing car hit me just so I got that piece of skin of my head, it’s bizarre and it’s really getting me down. At night time my whole body is so tense that I can’t relax or breathe properly, my feet are constantly tensed and it’s starting to hurt. But my head is the worst right now, it’s so painful.

I had my assessment from the mental health nurse at my doctors and she’s meeting with me again today, so I’m hopeful for her help. She said the last time I was there, ‘you don’t appear to be overly anxious?’ Sorry lady but my feet are bolted to the floor and my hands are glued to my knees and I’m trying not to let go of eye contact with you so you don’t think that I’m crazy. Ugh, it’s such a nightmare, I keep finding myself thinking way to much into stupid things and end up with sleepless nights for days or else horrible dreams about the situation. It’s driving my crazy.

Fuck you anxiety. Your such a twat.

I got my medication increased to the maximum before Christmas but I don’t feel any different, not yet anyway. I hate that I rely on them but they keep me from wanting to kill myself so that’s always a bonus, right? 😂

All I want is to be able to go back to work, have a wage again, not feel worthless, be able to go to the shop on my own, be confident, be able to keep friendships, be able to see my family members, just be able to sit in a room without going into a major state of panic.

How lovely would that be?

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