Why?

Why is it that some days your completely fine? Eh well you feel as if you are anyway? And then bam? Nope.

I’ve recently met someone who has makes me laugh and smile and feel good about myself, the only person I actually enjoying leaving my house to go and see at the moment. I meet them yesterday and I was in an amazing mood and I actually felt happy for a change, when I came home I was exhausted and ready to sleep but then I couldn’t. I was wide awake. Riddled with anxiety. I’ve seen 12am, 3am, 4am, 6am and now it’s 8am and I’ve not slept. My jaw is so sore from clinching my teeth, my head is in agony from picking it all night, my wrists and my ankles hurt from being so tense and I’ve never wanted an ‘Off’ button more in my life.

I don’t leave the house much because it’s my safe place right now and I’m usually here with my mum, my brother and my dogs and so I feel safe. I don’t worry about being outside, or about how I feel about going outside or having to meet anyone, or having to go anywhere on my own, or having to force myself out of a panic attack, or worry about my uncontrollable sweating and constantly being out of breath, I just sit in my room or my living room and I feel safe. Not a good idea but it’s all I can handle right now.

But last night has really shook me, how can you go from feeling amazing to worrying about every single last thing your brain can gather together, I feel like I’ve ran a marathon I’m that exhausted but I’ve not even moved, my brains done all the work for me. Fucking el, powerful little fucker aren’t ya? Just give me some sleep. Please.

This is the first time in quite a few weeks that I’ve actually wanted to cry, I feel so fed up. I don’t actually know what I’m supposed to do anymore? It’s so hard.

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