I have had the week from hell and I’ve not even left my own house. I thought I was feeling better and then all of a sudden it just hit me like a ton of shit. On Thursday I took an overdose of my anti depressants and my anxiety tablets, no one was home all day, I was uncontrollably crying and I thought, fuck it. I took a full of box of ones I had left over and another strip, a packet of my anxiety tablets and a few painkillers, I didn’t know what I was doing or if it would even do anything to me. But I wanted to do it.
Nothing happened, I felt really sick, couldn’t stand up, my pupils were massive. I slept for ages and just felt disoriented the day after. I don’t know what I was hoping to happen but I know I wanted something to happen. Anything. Just to take away the pain, even for a few hours or days. I haven’t told anyone about it and I feel so weird and guilty about it. Did I really want my mum to come home and find my unconscious with all my tablet packets empty? No. She didn’t have a clue, I just said I felt sick and stayed in the bed the next day. I haven’t heard anything from the mental health team after they cancelled my appointment last Wednesday, I just feel lost and forgotten about and all I want is some help.
A few years ago I randomly started picking bits of skin off my head, it would start and stop, maybe months apart but now it’s every damn day. Tonight I picked my head so bad that it wouldn’t stop bleeding for ages, I didn’t even realise until I looked at my fingers and they were covered in blood and my mum went ‘oh my god.’ Worst thing is, it’s not the first time I’ve done it, my head is so sore but I can’t seem to stop. It’s the worst it’s ever been at the moment, I’ve tiny cuts all over my head and then a few big ones, like why? I don’t understand, is this self harm? It must be.
I wear hats all day, everyday, even when it’s warm, just to hide my cuts and the skin and mainly so I can try to stop picking. But even when I put a hat on I always find my hands creeping in underneath, it’s like my hands aren’t mine and they have a mind of their own. I even find myself standing in front of the mirror for hours just examining my scalp and picking off bits of skin and scabs. I spend about 80% of my day picking my head and the other 20% moaning about how much pain I’m in. I’ll be picking my scalp and tears are streaming down my face because of how sore it is but I can’t stop.
I told the doctor about it last week and I showed her all my cuts and she said all I need to do is break the cycle. But how do I break the cycle?
Everything is very intense for me right now and I can’t seem to tell anyone because I fear that they’ll think I’m attention seeking or making it up, or whatever thought my brain throws at me. I’m just worried because I’m at the stage where I’m wanting to find something to hurt me or take something that will make me go to sleep, maybe not forever but until this nightmare is over. Feeling very lost.