The past few days have been really weird for me, on Sunday I felt like I finally woke up. I realised everything and it was always right in front of me. I don’t know if it was because I never wanted to believe it or I just hoped that you would change, maybe I was just living in denial or I actually believing that what you drilled into me my whole life was actually true.
I’ve always wondered why I am the way I am, and why am I never good enough, why am I always so angry? Why am I so sad? Is what your saying true? It must be because your smart, you have a good job, you’ve done well for yourself, everyone loves you, your so funny when your out, but you tell me that I need to grow up, get a life, get to the gym, stop eating that, stop eating this, skinny milk not whole, you eat so many takeaways, why is your room a mess? Why haven’t you cleaned the house? Have you just been sitting on your ass all day? Cover up, what are you wearing? What have you got on your face? Do this, do that, your not going anywhere until you’ve done this or that. Give me your phone, get down there and clean it again it’s not clean, get on your knees and hoover that carpet properly. Why are you playing my guitar? You aren’t playing it properly? (Push) (Push) (Push) Get up, (slap) get the fuck up, there’s fuck all wrong with you. You think the world revolves around you, you think your so worst off, theres people more worse off that you, theres people out there with real illnesses, there is children dying, you think your depressed? Go and see dying children and that’ll make you wise up.
Fuck me the list goes on and on and on and on. The person who has been the closest to me my whole life is the person who has constantly put me down and made me the paranoid, anxious, self conscious, depressed, worthless, career less, jobless, confused person that I am today. But I’ve finally seen it now, I know what you’ve done and I know it’s wrong. I know I’m not crazy, I know I’m not mad, I’m not mental, I’m not paranoid, I’m not fat, I can make friends, I am a nice person, I do care about people, I’m not selfish. You are, your a bully and I’ve had enough. You even told that I’m going to be sectioned if I went to a Physiotherapist because I’m mad and no one will believe me. You wanted to get the name of her so that you can interfere like you always do, just so I wouldn’t tell the truth. Imagine working within mental health and being extremely high up but destroying your own daughter with your words, actions and abuse. You are in constant denial of what you’ve done, I bet you don’t even know. You’ve called me a liar my whole life and it’s time for the truth to come out.
Sunday was the best day I’ve had in a long time, I cried for hours, I couldn’t eat my dinner, I couldn’t walk or speak I was in complete shock that it had taken me long to wake up.
But I am now and I’m ready to find myself again. No more egg shells, I am enough.