And I’m back…

I haven’t wrote on here in along time, I don’t know why and I don’t have any reason for it really. I’ve been trying to get on with my life I suppose and trying to ‘get better’.

I seem to only want to write things down when something bad happens, I never write about the good days, and yet again I don’t know why I don’t, because the good days are so lovely but I don’t want to write them down, I only want to write the bad. I guess it’s my way of letting go? Who knows.

I’ve been putting everything under my big ass mat that hides all my problems, as usual and trying to move on. Last time I wrote on here I had taken an overdose, nearly five months ago now… scary. I seen a social worker on the mental health team where I live a few weeks later and told her, she told me she would help me do this and do that but didn’t contact me again. I was just left and I felt stupid, confused and completely lost all over again, I eventually found some courage and rang them to ask, ‘eh hello? What’s going on?’ I finally got a letter through to say I was seeing someone new, which automatically made me freak out because I didn’t want to have to explain myself all over again to a complete stranger! So after five whole months of trying to stay positive and trying to avoid the thoughts of wanting to die, I got an appointment. Long story short, what a waste of my fucking time. The woman said that I look fine so I should be fine and she’s going to ‘discharge me from the service’, LOL, sorry what service????? And ever since I feel like I’ve went back to square one. Yay 😑

On Saturday the panic, fear and anxiety smacked me in the face, HARD. I got ready, done my hair, and when it came to leaving, I did not want to leave my house. The actual fear of having to walk out my front door and talk to people that don’t know how bad I suffer was unbearable. I’ve been feeling weird for a few weeks but I keep blaming it on hating my job, so I went for an interview for a new job and actually got it, but I’m still feeling weird. Typical me, always looking for something to blame and never actually facing the problem. But what is the problem? Because I can’t seem to find the answer anywhere. I talk to a mental health team and they say I lack confidence in myself, ok, so now what? I tell them I can’t stop picking my head and I’m covered in cuts, sores a bald patches, ok, so now what? I tell them I took an overdose because I wanted to die, ok, so now what? Oh yeah ignore me for five months. I tell them that I’m trying to move forward but still have this dark cloud lingering over me, ok so we can discharge you. Ok ok ok. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.

I honestly feel that I’ve lost who I am, I don’t know who I am, or what I like, or how I talk, and when I’m out I’m always pretending to be someone else, because it’s easier, obviously. But it fucks me up, like who am I? Am I the shy person who like to hide in her room and ignore the world and my feelings? Or am I the funny, sarcastic, out going person that I pretend to be whenever I’m out? Or am I someone else completely? I’ve no idea.

This weekend was pretty intense purely because I didn’t expect it, it came out of nowhere and when I think about it, I didn’t have anything to be scared or anxious about, it just happened. Hiding in the bathroom crying just because I didn’t feel like I could leave the house, then my mind tells me that I don’t need to leave, people are dangerous, going outside is dangerous, get into bed and hide because it’s safe there, no one can talk to you there, no one will notice you picking your head there, you don’t have to pretend there.

Will it ever end? Will I ever find myself? I just feel like an empty shell and I’m desperate to feel something other than fear, depression or anxiety. I just want to not have to pretend. When I look in the mirror I don’t recognise myself at all, when I take a photo, I don’t recognise myself. It’s so strange.

I’ve so many thoughts right now that I want to write down but I’d be here all night.

On a positive note, I finally got a letter to see a psychotherapist so I’m hopeful for that.

Fuck you anxiety and the big black dog, you suck.

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