Recently I’ve been diagnosed with having EUPD, emotionally unstable personality disorder, how intimidating does that sound? Doesn’t help that it’s a mouthful to say.
I haven’t quite got my head around it yet, I’m still very confused and I honestly don’t even understand what it means. When the doctor told me, he said, “how do you feel?” And I said, “I’m obviously upset and shocked but I’m glad I know what it is now…” but fuck me I wish I asked more questions. I just couldn’t wait to get out of the room, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I needed to let out a massive cry, so I just said “nope no questions”, left and cried my eyes out in the car park.
The first week was crazy because I had to come off my old tablets, gradually, and onto these new tablets, aripiprazole, used to treat bipolar and schizophrenia, which immediately sent me heading for the hills. How the fuck am I taking tablets for this? How have I got an emotionally unstable personality disorder? What does emotionally unstable mean? Should I be let out of the house? How do I have a job? What does personality disorder mean? Do I have something wrong with my personality? Am I not one person? I don’t understand. Then I went onto google, as you do, and googled what EUPD means and what it means for me and am I crazy? Ususal.
What a mistake.
Going between the two tablets left me shaking constantly, sweating like crazy and couldn’t feel like left arm, and my legs didn’t feel like they were mine. I felt like I had so much energy but wanted to do nothing at the same time, I couldn’t stay still but I needed to lie down, it was the most bizarre few weeks. Even still, nearly five weeks later, I still get the shakes and I still can’t stay still, and if I sit down for too long in one place I feel anxious and cluster phobic. I went for dinner this week and all I could think was, “I can’t breathe, get me out of here, why are people starting at me, can they see the sweat on my face? Do they notice me shaking? Does my family notice me shaking? What did they just say? I can’t remember. Act like your ok, just pretend. Have another drink, make sure you can actually lift the glass, don’t spill it, yep set it down, ok, now breathe. Did anyone see me do that? Can they notice I’m going mad in my own head? Fuck this. Go to the toilet and have a break.
And that’s just some of the thoughts running through my head when I’m out for dinner or out in public, at work, or even on the sofa.
I’m going to start writing funny things about my experience with this EUPD business because I don’t know what’s going on, If I don’t I’ll cry or jump out the window. I’m kidding I won’t but you know. It’s intense. Have to find the funny side, right?
Emotionally unstable personality disorder…