I’m starting to notice you…

Since being told I have EUPD, emotionally unstable personality disorder for anyone who doesn’t know what that stands for, I’ve noticed my traits that I have, some more so than others.

I always knew they were there before but I never realised why or what I was doing these things for, not that I have a reason to do them now or anything it just makes more sense since having been diagnosed.

The panic, the actual fear of everything, the feeling of dying at any given moment, the thoughts that go in and out of my head in seconds and build me up into this anxious monster that wants to punch something out of pure frustration. The anxiety is intense, very intense, I feel that my tongue doesn’t fit inside my mouth because I’m constantly trying to clinch my teeth together and then my jaw is aching. My hands and legs are always shaking, I’m constantly sweating, my vision is blurred (and no it’s not because I need glasses, because this bitch don’t) and I feel that someone is permanently sitting on my chest. I can never remember what has just happened so why I’m talking or what I’m saying, I just have mind blanks in the middle of conversations, haven’t a clue what the person has just said to me or what im saying to them, it’s a memory thing, I feel like I’ve lost my memory.

I’m constantly needing something to do because I’m so so so so so bored 24/7 but I have zero energy to do anything, plus leaving the house is a bit of a struggle unless I know I’m going somewhere safe or with someone/people I trust. And I think I have a bit of a spending issue, like maybe a major spending issue, even if I know I won’t have money after for important things like my bills or rent, or I know I blatantly don’t even have money to spend, I’ll find a way, I think it’s just the boredom and the happiness of new clothes and shoes but then the sadness because I don’t go anywhere to wear them.

I feel that I have body dysmorphia of some kind, which is apparently normal in people who suffer from EUPD, but don’t hold me on that. I am absolutely disgusted at the person I see when I look in the mirror, or walk past a shop window or see my reflexion in the car, HORRIFIED. I mean I know why it started but now I don’t know how to find the love for myself again, you know? Being mentally and physically abused from a young age has definitely taken its tole on me now at the age of 24.

Ive found myself always saying things like, ‘fuck this I’m jumping out in front of a car’ or ‘I’ll be dead soon anyway’ when I know I won’t jump in-front of a car and I know (hope) that I won’t be dead soon but I say them anyway, no idea why.

I’m always looking for reassurance that whoever I’m with is ok, I’m always asking ‘are you ok?’ Always making sure. The fear if I think someone is in a bad mood with me is unreal, I actually panic over thinking that someone may be mad at me. Weird, like who cares? Haha just kidding, I DO!

I joined a Facebook page called ‘Surviving Borderline’ and it’s a great place, I can’t say I’m overly happy with feeling the need to join a page like that but I’m still after some understanding. I still feel incredibly lost and unsure of my feelings, my new medication, what it means for me and how to work on it. So I’m looking for answers and if a Facebook page with people in similar situations to me can help me, then perfect. I’ve wrote a few posts on there and the response has been incredible, everyone is so lovely and supportive and that’s what we all need, Is to be supportive to one another.

I just need a little guidance and support sometimes. I don’t need people to tell me how to feel, I need people to try understand how I feel and be there for me. That’s all. Nothing major, your helping me by never judging, being patient, calming me down or making me laugh whenever I’m having a ‘moment’.

This EUPD stuff isn’t easy, it’s a bloody hard old life to live but I’m trying.

Day by day.

Until next time 👋😌

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